Yes I know it has been a while. A loooong while and during this time quite a bit has happened. First and foremost I am now officially residing with M. I still have my townhouse but his house is officially now “our” house. Along with the big move, M finally let me get a kitten. Julio is a wonderful addition to our “half family”, I’ll explain that one later ;). He torments his sister like any little brother should. And while Halle has been a bit grumpier the past few weeks the transition has been pretty smooth.

With all of that said, there are a few bigger, more pressing issues that have plagued my brain the past few weeks. Mostly having to do with words.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke to my mom that ultimately hurt her feelings. And while I know she has a lot going on right now (daddy lost his job at the end of the year) I felt the comment was playful enough to move on. In true mom fashion this has turned into weeks of harsh words and not speaking. I did apologize for the joke only to be hit with an IM one night that said “I hate you.” I was in the middle of cooking M dinner so I didn’t immediately see the IM. Not that I would have responded anyway (I knew she was looking for a fight). Anyway after several “apologizes” I still don’t feel like I am ready to forget what she said.

I must say I am pretty much at a loss right now. I mean I know how my mom is and how she gets but for her to actually use those words has really thrown me for a loop. The only thing I can think of when I think about what she said is my former mil. I remember sitting in her kitchen one night listening to her berate my ex. I don’t know if it was the words she said so much as the hatred in her eyes. That night really showed me the mean and hateful person she is. Now not that I want to compare my mom to a person like that, that is the only thing I can think of. The hatred. And yes I don’t think my mom actually meant the words she said – I feel they were used to piss me off and start a fight – it still lingers in my head that she did say them. Once a person says something like that how do you go back to that place you started at? Can you ever go back? I don’t know. I really have no idea what the future holds. I know that for now I will distance myself. If she is willing to say it once, she can/will say it again. Do I really want to be or put myself into a relationship that I feel is not healthy, even if it is a parent?

I am hoping that if I can get some of this off my chest it will help me find some peace with this situation.